author’s note: a while ago, i posted a thread on Reddit about an old Google Drive i found full of… er… “story ideas”. one of them was “i fucking hat”. someone said it sounded like a bad HP fanfic. this was born. i’m thinking of doing more.

“Ravenclaw!”, shouted the stained hat. What was it stained with? Mystery. Oodles of mystery.
        The nervous bucktoothed first year jumped down from the stool, the hat still gently caressing her frizzy follicles. Squealing, she tossed the hat back into place with her shitty, infantile baby-limp wrists. A round of applause resounded from the Ravenclaw table as the girl joined them.
“Harry Potter”. A gasp. A few more gasps. The audible stretching of robes as a few people got mad crazy boneroos.
The wiry boy sprang up, nearly tripping in his rush, and shuffled over to the stool, glistening with moist anticipation. He pulled the hat over his head and instantly felt its phantom knob penetrate the folds of his mind like a child picking his nose til it bleeds.
“Mmm, such intelligence. Ravenclaw might do you well too. But also… such a cunning spirit. You’d make a tasty little snake.”
Trying to ignore his own boneroo, Harry repeated the mantra of “fuck snakes fuck snakes shitty fucking snakes” inside of his head.
“Oh ho ho, what a feisty boy morsel you are. Slytherin will have so much fun with you and you can fuck all the snakes you like.”
Harry paled, his boneroo instantly deflating like a balloon that’s… deflating. It went all zippity bippity flying around the room (metaphorically of course).
“Slytherin!”
The hall erupted with shrieks and applause. The Slytherin boys whipped out their massive green dongs and began slamming them on the table to the beat of This Heat’s song “Makeshift Swahilii” from their 1981 sophomore (and final) effort, “Deceit”. The girls could think of nothing but feeding Harry succulent baked goods made from their vaginal yeast. Dumbledore adjusted his growing staff, and then also his penis. Mrs. Norris fucking exploded for some reason, showering Filch in steamy hot cat chunks. Gandalf looked on in horror and arousal. It would be a dark day in Mordor.