1. When merging, it is common courtesy to form a “zipper” with the other lane; that is, one by one. Failure to do so will entice the souls trapped in your floormats to open a zipper of their own; muscle and flesh are their favorite canvases!
2. When accelerating through a yellow light, ensure that you kiss your hand and punch the ceiling. Without sacrificial kissy-punches, the massive arachnids floating above your car will tear a hole in the roof and take you away to their nests for feeding time.
3. On wet highways, you may hydroplane; that is, slip and slide over the road surface. Fret not! You’ve simply driven into a den of Highworms. Do not fight them. Once they’re done playing, you will regain control over your vehicle.
4. Turn signals exist for a reason. If all else fails, snapped off, they make good shivs. Go for weak spots; eyes, throat, groin, etc. Road Rage doesn’t have to be all business; get creative!
5. Seat belts may be uncomfortable, but always wear them. They’re particularly useful for bisecting your body in the event of a crash and thus makes it easier for the Paramedics to divide you into equal shares for taking home.
6. Allow at least two car lengths for stopping distance between you and the driver in front of you. This way, even if you rear-end them, sending you hurtling through your windshield, your corpse will have proper momentum to follow through into their car. Carpooling is an effective way to cut down on time, expenses, and impact on the environment.
7. On dark, seemingly endless stretches of land, always make sure you stop for flashing lights; sure, it may be a serial killer impersonating a cop (or even worse, an actual cop) but 5 times out of 10, it will be the True Patrol. Most creatures with a prey drive enjoy the thrill of the chase. The Patrol does not. There’s a great chance they’ll let you go after the stop (sans a limb or two, of course); but should you force them to pursue you, your suffering will be legendary.
8. Rumble strips are there for a reason! The bony, skinless fingers of the damned, embedded under the road, caress your wheels, reminding you of where you’ll end up should you drive off of it.
9. When driving through heavily-wooded areas, it is imperative that you display a Little Trees air freshener. Not only does it cover the powerful scent of rotting meat, but it will show the creatures that have chosen the tree as their physical form that you are a friend. Remember, if something in the woods whistles, make damn sure you whistle back!
10. Go the speed limit! It’s not a suggestion, and no matter how fast you drive, you’ll never be able to outrun your deepest, darkest fears and anxieties or the pervasive gut-feeling that the agony of existence will never end, even when you depart this corporeal earth.
Narrated by Usual Plumbot